Sand is overrated.

Where is this going?
I'm content with not knowing.

that I shy away from you.
When I'm focused on you, or on what is happening, I am lost.  I am unaware of my existence.
But the instant I am conscious of myself, that's when I become uncomfortable, so I hide.
Uncomfortable isn't the right word though,
just,
conscious.
Self-conscious.
It seems the closer you get, the more I think, and the more I hide.
From a distance, I'm fine.
I'm fine close too,
it's just a bit unsettling to know that someone can see you that close, in that way, that honestly.
I know this is something that will get easier with time,
I hope time is something we have a lot of.

I finished this two days ago, took me about two days.
I wish the upload quality was 10x better, but oh well.
I'm actually happy with the way this one turned out:


Among other things I've finished recently is the book You Don't Know Me.  I had chills throughout the last fifteen pages.  It left me warm, tingly, and teary-eyed.  It was a great book.
I'm now reading Animal Farm by George Orwell.
And Atlas Shrugged is still sitting on my sidetable begging to be finished, but I just don't have the motivation right now, no matter how much I love that book so far.
I've also decided to make a short poetry book.  I'll probably wait until I write more, so that I can include about 20 decent poems in it, but if nobody else likes it, atleast I will.
My camera comes this wednesday, hooray!
As does my court date, blah.
But it's okay, I have it down to a science: I've had my license for a year and a half now, clean record, high honor roll student, I don't have cruise control, caught myself a second too late, wish to have points reduced, amount that insurance will go up is a concern, as I'm trying to save up for college.
Maybe throw an almost-about-to-start-crying-because-I'm-so-scared face in there, and I have a chance.

Everytime I try and describe you and what's happening between us to others, I can't.  Every time I end up just sitting and smiling, just knowing, and knowing that that's okay.

We're heading down to Madison in a litte bit, but going to Faro's first for breakfast.  I'm happy.  Lately, things have been going so smoothly.  I'm complacent with where I have with everything, with friends, family, myself, everything.  I suppose I've been more independent since I got back from Europe.  I mean, I've always been an independent person, since I was a little girl, but I think I almost fell into the feeling of I need to be with certain people to feel myself, which really shouldn't be the case.  I've also started capitalizing my I's.
Matters with my family are going extremely well too.   They're allowing me to stay out later, which, if you know my parents at all, is a big deal.  It says a lot on their part.  It says that they're trusting me, and that they're finally accepting that I am growing up, and I will be an adult in a matter of years (legally in 4 months).  My mom is still learning to 'let go' but with the help of my dad is getting better at it.
I have a phone interview with Illinios Institute of Art in Schaumberg this Monday, and I'm really excited.  It looks great there, and you can obtain a BA in three years.  The distance is great too, because it's enough where I'll be OUT, but enough where a weekend trip home isn't a nearly impossible feat.  They also offer a lot of different areas of study, such as general study, digital photography, visual journalism, sociology even.
I'm also extremely excited for art class this year. I've always pushed aside art class, no matter how horribly I wished to take it, or the amount of prodding from Mrs. Zahn.  I was focusing too much on the sciences, which are what I thought I'd always go into.  But I'm glad I still have the option to take it, and I'm glad I am.
Things are going smoothly, for a change.  That excites me to no end.  It seems like when you surround yourself with good people, make time to be alone, and place it in God's hands that will happen.  And maybe things going aren't going any better, although I think they are, maybe I'm just not worrying about things so much.  Either way, it's a wonderful change.

oh by the by
has anybody seen little you-i

THREW HIS WISH AT BLUE



i'm feeling this. i'm embracing this. i'm soaking all of this in. down, deep into my pores, so that i am saturated.

I'm so excited for the next time I get to see you.
I know it's only tomorrow, but it seems like forever away.

The suspense last night.

You put things so sweetly, and there I was fumbling over my words, lacking any sort of eloquence whatsoever.

I'm scared to let you get to know me for fear of you not liking who I am.
But, you already have an idea.
And I think you might understand me better than most people.

I feel like I'm already running away,
because you're so brilliant, and the light frightens me.